The "Pay CGRUTT $1 every time you post" thread! lmao

[Pissed Off Patriot]

Just keep on waiting. I'm not going to tell tell you how or when I'm going to win until I actually win!

[usmcveteran]

im going to win by any means necessary!

[nortatoga]

Not necessarily!

[Pissed Off Patriot]

You can't win if you aren't here.

I'm here!

[nortatoga]

Where is Here?

[Pissed Off Patriot]

In this thread!

[usmcveteran]

Where you're now losing?

[Pissed Off Patriot]

You mean you?

[usmcveteran]

No I meant you lol

[Pissed Off Patriot]

You can try to win, but I have already won!

[usmcveteran]

You had already won until this moment when I have taken over the winning.

[Meketrefe]

.......

[Pissed Off Patriot]

If only it were that easy!

[Meketrefe]

On Saturday evening, knowing that fun and exciting 20-something-style plans were not going to materialize out of the void, I decided to go on a quest for agar flakes–a weird health food item that I was going to use to make myself some pudding. I was browsing the aisles of a family-owned, local health food store, lusting after the various overpriced dark chocolate bars, when I came across a bag of seaweed salad in the refrigerated section. Having previously ordered (and enjoyed) seaweed salads as an appetizer at sushi restaurants, I thought this could be fun. Perhaps not a great complement to pudding, but whatever–wine will help it all fit together. I purchased said seaweed (and agar flakes) and walked to my car.

With hunger and a misguided sense of adventure flashing across my eyes, I ripped open the plastic bag and barbarically took some seaweed and shoved it into my mouth–not unlike the dinosaurs in Fantasia. My eyes immediately widened with terror–again, like the dinosaurs.

“Holy salt, Batman!” were the actual words that came out of my algae-filled mouth as my tongue began to wither. Before I could even register the ridiculousness of what I had just said, I grabbed the bag and scanned the back: “Seaweed is packed with salt to preserve freshness. Before eating, rinse and let soak for three minutes.” You mean those little white dots all over the tendrils WEREN’T just delicious seaweed debris?

Well, Peshitta. I flung open my car door and emptied my mouth of this salted sea fungus while making cartoon-like spitting noises. Before anyone could notice the pile of compost, I drove off.

Have you ever just straight up eaten salt or gnawed at a salt lick like a mutant deer-human hybrid? This Peshitta will seriously sucker-punch your innards. My esophagus was trying to get rid of the salty runoff that sneaked past my tongue by pushing it down to my stomach, but my stomach really did not want to have to deal with that. I kind of wanted to cry, but I was afraid that would upset my saline balance.

But throughout this I remained optimistic about my upcoming dinner. I am going to make a fancy seaweed salad! It is going to be healthy, but taste awesome! I’m just impatient, and I’m being punished for it. That’s fine. I deserve it.

When I arrived home, I emptied the bag of green mush into a bowl and rinsed, as per the instructions, while trying to massage the salt out with my fingertips. I then let that green lump sit for five minutes in clean water, followed by at least three more rinsing attempts. Satisfied that I cleaned the seaweed far more thoroughly than I ever clean my hair, I tentatively tasted one of the flaccid green tendrils. It didn’t taste salty, but it also didn’t taste good. It kind of tasted like ick, which is a taste you can recognize if you’ve had it before.

Disappointment flooded over me. I had wasted four dollars–money that could have been spent on a fancy schmancy chocolate bar that helps save endangered animals. Instead, I had raped the sea of its greenery, and I only had a mediocre dinner to show for it.

And then a cartoon lightbulb appeared over my head. You know what makes everything better? Soy sauce! Clearly that’s what I’m missing! With Cocktail-style flourish, I grabbed the nearest soy sauce bottle and drowned my salad in the brown elixir.

The salad, even with the soy sauce, tasted like such ick that I shoveled it down my gullet as fast as I could. Though I tried to distract myself with the latest episode of Community, I noticed the immediate effect this feast had on my body. Forced into action by a power beyond my control, I robotically stood up, filled my water bottle, and lied on my bed, making noises that a salted snail would make if it could make noises.

And then the horror movie-style stomach cramps began…
This past Friday evening B and I heard sirens and city hubub outside of our building. At first we paid no attention as there is an assisted living facility in our area that has emergency services on speed dial. I am under the impression that if someone sneezes in the building, 911 is called out of precaution. After awhile however the sirens gave way to flashing lights and the sounds of radio static that indicated we had emergency services directly outside our building. Again we didn’t pay that much attention as we’ve determined the emergency staging ground for any fire in a 10 block radius is Directly Outside Our Master Bedroom. See also: things you should look into prior to signing leases or mortgages. Just an FYI.
Then, as even the most city dweller is wont to do, we began investigating the commotion outside when it didn’t appear to be going away. Please imagine the look on our faces when we realized there were four fire engines outside of our building, one with a ladder going up to our roof and fire hoses everywhere.
I’d like to say that even this wasn’t shocking but since this was the third time we’ve dealt with our respective buildings being on fire even this couldn’t get us overly concerned. Fourth of July weekend the summer I took the bar exam brought a roofdeck fire in my old building, a fire so large it shut streets down and yet, although my apartment was the one directly off the stairwell to the roofdeck and directly under the roof deck, my smoke detectors never went off and the firemen told me I could “sit tight” while they decided how serious it was. (That was…not fun.) (I packed my laptop, my jewelry and my BarBri books. NEVER AGAIN.) The weekend before B was moving out of his tiny efficiency unit and down to our current neighborhood an entire wing of his building burned down, a fire that gutted numerous units and left the rest of the building with serious smoke damage. Luck of the draw, we were out of town that weekend and becuase he never opened the door and “broke the seal” his unit suffered no damage what so ever, smoke or otherwise. The move was precarious though, what with the caution tape and fumes and arson investigation teams swarming the place.
The point is: even a ladder truck couldn’t get us that worked up.
B went down and investigated and came back to report that we had an electrical fire in our elevator room but not to worry, the fire was out and they were simply venting the smoke. Most excellent! Back to AppleTV! Thank you Chicago’s Finest!
Then, about an hour later we realized that this meant our elevator was probably out of order. Sonofa………
And that is how I wrote an entire blog post leading up to the complaint that I AM SICK OF USING THE STAIRS. The stairs in our building were not built in a convienent manner. On one end of the building you have our unit and a stairwell that is only accesses the outside, but has a nearby door into the parking garage. In the middle of the building you have no stairwell but you have the mail (important around the holidays) and our parking spot. At the other end of the building you have another stairwell that has direct indoor access in and out of the parking garage. This means that coming home, collecting mail and bringing groceries in and out is a production. You can’t carry too much as you have to leave your keys in hand to get through the various doors and if you want to stay inside you have to walk the length of the building (we have a very long building) in the opposite direction and if you want the shortest distance between two points (the car and our unit) you have to lock and unlock a variety of heavy doors, all while carrying your briefcase, your purse, your lunch bag, your mail, your packages and your groceries.
Not that I tried that or anything.
Pro Tip: If you try to carry that much you will watch at least one item tumble down three flights of stairs.
You are welcome.
Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m over the stairs, the doors, the locks, the carrying and generally speaking, the stupid out of order sign on the elevator as though the lack of power and faint smell of smoke isn’t an indicator that something might not be quite right. Also: I’ll be running by Home Depot tonight to devise a pulley system to get the dog outside and back in and again. He is sure to love it.
"Eton by a grue" is a 1968 cult classic featuring Eton schoolboys getting gruesomely disembowelled by Grues.
The film begins with three rather stupid boys. They do the usual posh things (take drugs, play "Poh-lo", cheat on art exams), until one day when somebody started browsing uncyclopedia. Due to the fuss over "It should be uncyclopedia" and the fact they were too dense to use extreme sarcasm meant the three boys ended up in one grue.
Controvery All the posh people who went there got rather annoyed. They responded in the following TV broadcast:
Sniffy, are we on air? Oh good! Poor, stinky, uncultured, yobish, subservient, perverted, strange, yokel people of outside Eton and Mumsy's and Dadsy's house, we come with a message. You are about to be sued.
This was counteracted with an outbreak of Grue attacks.

B4TTLEMOOSE, also known as "moose" is....some person.
He/she lives on Jurry Lane with the Muffin Man....Do you know the Muffin Man?
He enjoys reading, creating computer art, making homocidal stick figure animations, and long walks in the park. He is currently being threatend by a certain Atheltic Director who said he would "Squash" him. ............He loves your mother,
B4TTLEMOOSE'S Grandmother IS AF UCIJKSVDOAHCDASBIASFHB;Can;t you see... Tingley feelings are Alergic to: The Outlet Men
Currently Lives With: DEAD PEOPLE, EVERYWHERE. Favorite Song: Hips Don't Lie-Shakera
Favorite Band: Fall Out Fag, My Chemicle ****s. DED.
Famous Quote: DR.PHIL IS MY BIIITCH.
He is also, secretly the Love Child of Harry Potter and a horse....SHHHHHH

Irish-Amish is a term used to describe people of Irish and Amish decent. Most Irish-Amish bloodlines can be traced back to a small tribe that inhabited a small island off the coast of what today is called Ireland. In the early 13th Century the island was know as "O'Grautin (wooded wheel of potato)". The tribe was known as "Irish-Amish" was known for their genetic abnormalities. These abnormalities were flaming red-beards, ghostly pale bald heads, and allergies to communication of any type. The tribe's leader was chosen by the Irish-Amish who possessed the greatest combination of these three abnormalities. When elected, the leader or "Spuds", in celebration would draw pictures of his legs and hand out individual drawings for everyone in the tribe.
The immigration of the Irish-Amish began in the Early 1800's due to many reasons, but most made the journey to America looking to become a mascot for a major Catholic University athletics program. Travelling to America was a dangerous proposition for the Irish-Amish. The 1800 Irish-Amish, not to much different than today's Irish-Amish, did not believe in technology. They refused to travel on Steam Engines across the Atlantic Ocean to America. Many chose to build their own Pubpotatoe boats. These boats were fashioned out of Giant Potatoes with a fully stocked bar carved into the potato. The large potatoes were grown on family farms. The size of the potato was enhanced with red-beard stem cells. These red-beard stem cells were early precursors to the steroids used at Balco (see Irish-Amish Science). They were upset to learn there was just one Major Catholic University upon their arrival. The Irish-Amish settled in Western Tennessee and became know for selling Red Beard Coats and Accessories. The severe allergies to communication caused the business eventually go under, and the clan broke up. One of the few propaganda photos released by the BOFFA The BOFFA is an international organization of women who conspire with each other, with a view to creating a "BOFFA friendly society". The term "BOFFA" is an acronym, meaning, "Big Organization of Female Fighters for Allah!". The group is secretive and conducts their activities with relative anonymity. The group has been specified by the CIA and the United Nations' International Court of Justice as a "group of interest" as they are suspected of being involved in many occurrences that have resulted in death of civilians, however, unlike most extremist groups, they have failed to take any responsibility for their actions. The group has been named by suspected terrorists such as Osama bin Laden and Abu Bakar Bashir in interrogation processes as being accessories to the "Darwin High School Speed Hump Hijackings", an incident that involved the newly built speed humps being depicted as penises. Once again, the BOFFA has failed to take responsibility. The term "BOFFA" is also used to refer to the members of the group, as each member refers to each other as a BOFFA. This makes the members very difficult to track, as they are all very similar and their names are unknown. Communication between the members is also becoming increasingly difficult to trace. This is because the majority of the BOFFA's communication and scheming is conducted via the use of Prepaid Mobile Phones and web based communication portals such as Bebo. For this reason, the CIA has set the Bebo Intelligence Task Force. So far, very little has been traced, largely due to the fact that the suspected members of the BOFFA are believed to be using humorous screen names, eg. lovestospooge69, rather than their real names. A photo suspected to depict the BOFFA in a hijacked car, moments before the Speed Hump attacks. (not the prepaid mobile phone, used to trigger the attack) [edit] Suspects Early Irish-Amish Science Irish-Amish science can be date as far back as 2000 B.C. when early Irish-Amish history tell of a how the clan would use their flaming red beards to create fire which was used for cooking baked potatoes. In 100 B.C the Irish-Amish started using genetics to perfect the population. A Irish-Amish shaman, began splitting cells and duplicating DNA using a specially crafted laser microscope. The microscope,amazingly, was crafted out of potato and wood and used the sun and hairs from the red beards of the people to create a laser. The hairs of the Irish-Amish have red-beard stem cells. The shaman began using this technology to create a race of Irish-Amish without hair or phone dialing abilities. Some time later, this technology was used for creating huge vegetables, such as potatoes, to feed the population. These giant potatoes were later used as boats. It is a fair assessment to say that the Irish-Amish were the fathers of genetics.
Today it is rare to see anyone of pure Irish-Amish decent. But, if you look hard enough for a flaming red beard and a Casper bald head, you find one sitting right next to you.
To use a metaphor from the animal's kingdom, we can call it a dinosaur. Mainframe computer was invented, so companies like IBM, CDC and others, could charge millions of Dollars for a machine that did much less than a $300 PC does today. IBM went even further and created elaborate software to support it, primarily an Operating System, they declared, more complex than the vehicle that landed on the moon in 1969. They called the OS: Multiple Virtual Storage, or MVS.
Around this monstrous MVS IBM developed software to develop applications, compilers for programming languages such as PL/1 and Cobol, communication software like IMS DC and CICS, databases like IMS DB and DB2. In addition, IBM developed some more ancillary software products like Job Control Language (or JCL), to support running sequence of programs with dependencies, Time Sharing Option (or TSO) to support programmers working on the computer via 'dumb' terminals, and a slew of utilities like sort, copy and many others, to make the programmer's life easier constructing data processing systems. All those software products were licensed to IBM clients for relatively low fees. The big money maker for IBM was the hardware.
The truth is, today, there are still systems that work on those ancient dinosaur; those were forced to comply with today's more advanced web servers and other software that works with the Internet. It is about time to retire all those Mainframe systems and dignify them with proper burial.

“...So I told the Hoe, I paid you, I should get something in return.” ~ Alec Gray on Hookers

Attack of the Killer Garbage is a 1986 sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. A bullPeshitta b-movie, every one of these series's are made from crap Universal.

• best Z-Movie ever Lost to Toy Story 2
• Worst bullPeshitta film ever lost to first film
• Golden Globe for best film of the 80's sent by the film makers, the reply, "Hell no!"
• Golden Rasperry for worst film ever Won 50000000000764734777372625262372762626262628000857 4773737373737383736.

Killer Garbages terrorize the city, however, 1 minute into the film a man says "Garbage day!" and shoots the leader garbage can. The credits run for 4 minutes, making it a total of a 5 minute movie, making it the the 656th shortest film in history.

$10

• Wikipedia: 10 out of 10
• Uncyclopedia: -462 out of 10
• IGN: 200 out of 10
• Lovers: 477 out of 500
• Metacritic: 75 out of 100
• Loogans Rates: 6666666666666666666666666666666666 out of 10
• Rotten Tomatoes: 6 out of 100

The film did VERY poorly, also many fans banned it for dislike, this is the first film ever to be shot ENTIRLEY in Slo-Mow, in fact, the credits are even in slow motion. Had exactly 543 subliminal messages, 01 word in it, killer Garbage cans, and ran for 5 minutes. However, some people consider it a CULT movie, their crazy in this reporters opinion, but everybody exept Loogan liked the famous line "GARBAGE DAY!!" which is considered the best movie ever now, because of that line, it saved Universal's carrer.

PG for gay garbage cans, and some rude humor

• Return of the Killer Garbage
• The Revenge of the Killer Garbage

"Alec Gray" is a scared white man continuously beaten by his mother for not being trendy enough.He was born in Hades home on July 28, 1994. He then ran away to Mexico because he owed Hades his soul. After hiding in Mexico for several years, Hades was able to find Alec because of Alec's stench. In order to survive he had to shower. Soon after Alec turned to adult modeling, in which he stared in multiple "playgirl" magazines and numerous adult films. Alec then continued his acting career in Hollywood classics including "Avatar" and "Casablanca". Still not full-filled by his acting career, Alec took a trip to rural Japan in search of enlightenment. After his trip he published a trilogy of books in which his mom read, and found stupid so she tracked him down and beat him once again. In the end Alec ran away to Grenada and joined the circus.
How the ecame a item for the working man
Before Wayne thought about making dolls he was making molds. The molds he was making where for the Oil and Boat industry in LA. and TX. He also got into making molds and masks for the Halloween season. One thing to another, He also started makes Movie props for the Hollywood movie industry. then been making bass guitars for Kiss cover bands.
So why a doll maker?
Become a doll maker only, Got in his head after some of the other doll Co. told him they would not work with him. He had just sold a online knife and sword business. Looking to reinvest & start a new. He started selling custom Japanese slot machines. Without the knives he needed to add another item to his e-Bay business.
Where did he go. He told me he called all the sex doll company in the US.
"The other doll making co, told me know or just thought I was joking" Wayne Told me. "No they would not sell wholesale". Wayne went on a search to buy a used Real Doll to fix and sell. He found instead a doll Co. In California going out of business. Wayne called the owner of the falling Co. Sim-18. They agreed on a price, The sale was done and Real solid sex doll was now in business. Wayne and his farther in law Andrew when to California to learn how to make the dolls and bring back the mold. The rest is doll history.
Behemoth is a ****ing BIG-ASS Satan-Black-Death Metalcore band, the size ov YOUR DAD's ****ING HUGE PENIS! You're dad's penis also comes from Poland, where it regularly visits and feeds on the flesh ov small childern (which makes it grow bigger) and small red fruit. Anyway, back to Behemoth. They established FVCKING BR00TAL METAL where there was none before, because the prime minister ov Poland (a.k.a The Wicked Witch ov the East side ov Europe) had outlawed it. All the munchkins were sad. Then Behemoth arose from a Tornado and breathed fire upon all ov the munchkins, killing them. Frightened by this, The Wicked Witch ov---(ok let's just call him Bob) Bob decided to cut off his own penis in utmost fear ov Behemoth.
Behemoth used to be a Pagan-Witchcraft-Harry Potter-core band (possibly in honor ov the Witch but then it was revealed that lead singer Narwhal was a satanist and became the beast that they are now.
Behemoth released From the Pagan Wastelands ov My Toilet (god I need to stop eating Akin's Natural Foods) in 1993, in an attempt to prove that they are in fact [Pagan] because Peshitta that comes from pagans is also considered pagan. It's because Pagans only eat natural hippie food, and Satanists eat at Taco Bell
Eventually, Narwhal ate at Taco Bell, and therefore became a Satanist. So they released "Metallica Demo: The Satanist Version by Behemoth" which included "Enter Satan", "Why Ride the Lightning when you can Ride the Fire and Brimstone" and "...And Satanism for All."
Then they released Thelema.666, which was basically just more proof ov Narwhal's crush on Satan's sister.
Eventually, Gorgoroth and Demon Burger tried to eat Behemoth for stealing their ideas, but even they were no match for Behemoth. Behemoth even turned the lead singer ov Gorgoroth gay. Shagrath (aka Shaggy) ov Demon Burger responded to this with: "Whoa, you like, turned Gaahl gay, you're like, some sort ov Demigod" Narwhal replied: "Of course not. Since when is Demi Lovato a god???" "Demi Lovato Is Not A God" was released. It is their best album, with all tracks on the CD beginning with "Satan" and ending with "Shagrath gave me the album title so don't blame me"
The locomotives are small shunting locomotives. Mainly consisting of four sadle tank 0-4-0's and two well tank 2-4-0's and these are black locomotives and have Sodor Logging Company on the side. These locomotives aparently work in the dark with the logs and liquidised white sawdust from the fat controller's log. Can you imagine the faces on the locomotives?
Barton-upon-Humber or Barton is a premium rate sex chatline located on the south bank of the Humber Estuary, and is the county town of the Humber (or "Bartonz") Bridge. Barton was, until last week, unfortunately forgotten by the outside world because a Government official left the official record of its existence on a train. This record has now been recovered through a Buy-it-Now sale on eBay, so allowing the creation of this page. If any individual attempts to locate Barton on a map, they will immediately charged £2.70 (£1.20 if they are a motorcycle).
Barton runs on a variable time zone, of which there are no set rules, except the day and time are never the same as that in neighbouring England. Time is generally relative, and often logarithmic, though sudden lapses have resulted in premises closing for trade before they open, and households imploding due to the time delay. It has recently been observed, from space, that the population of Barton fluctuates rapidly between 1,653,953 and 5, usually on Wednesdays. Barton's population are often likened to that of Dublin's in 1984.
The Barton National Mounted Police Service exists to promote law and disorder in Barton. However, there is rarely any need for their work because the citizens are too nice. Minor offences are uncommon but may include terrorism, murder, kidnap and arson, usually punishable by forcing the perpetrator to visit 'Charlie's' bar for the evening. The National Police Service often park their vehicles on High Street (M15), the main Motorway in Barton, and the only one-way motorway in the world. The Poleese offer citizens lifts home, to the shops, bingo or organised and brutal gang fights. There is no Fire Service based in Barton itself, instead, the local Fire Service in nearby France help out as and when they can, except on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, when they are on strike. As there has not been an accident or incidence of sickness or death in Barton since yesterday, the local Ambulance Service was scrapped as part of cost cutting measures.
There are many thousand public houses in Barton, the majority of which are within a 100m radius of Fleetgate (B122227), conveniently. The Red Lion is the most popular public house, and, due to recent cost cutting measures, now doubles up as a Doctor’s Surgery, Undertaker’s Parlour, and a Greengrocer’s Shop, although usually not at the same time. The door staff employed when ‘public house mode’ is assumed, are officially recognised as the friendliest in the world, however they do strictly enforce the dress code which stipulates that T-shirts should be worn “inside out and the wrong way round”.
Famously, there are very strict immigration controls for those entering Barton; only those affluent enough to spare £2.70 can enter by car (the first car to enter Barton was a 1976 Austin Allegro, which entered in 2010) over the Bartonz Bridge, while those entering by other routes or by other means of transport face no restrictions.
In a recent conversation in Tesco, it was discovered that 85% of residents have, in fact, never left Barton, and never intend to, because they are afflicted with a persistant common cold.
Since 1995, Barton has been plagued with a colony of rats, the members of which more often than not go by the name of 'Ratzilla' or 'Ratty', a recent study confirmed. It is a widely held opinion in the area that these rats arrived on the Number 6 bus on 25 October 1995 which was accidentally diverted to Barton from Hamelin, in an 'unfortunate clerical error'. On 14 February 2011, this plague mysteriously vanished without reason.
If you were looking for the food product you ate nonstop at the game last Saturday night, you probably meant Peanut The Indian commandos a.k.a. Black Cats, not to be confused with Egyptians, is an elite military fighting force composed of buttfairies and cock surfers. They are not very good. In fact the are probably worse than Cuba's special forces (very few military units in the world are worse than Cuba). During their most famed operation, "The Mile High Club," they hurled 56 Black Cat commandos at 3 unarmed terrorists, eventually killing 2 of the terrorists. between five and ten thousand Indian civillians died, and all of the Black Cats were annihilated.

[usmcveteran]

Winning LOL